What I am hiding??

Sometimes I get this feeling when I am talking to someone that I am struggling a lot to seem sane in the conversation. It's not this like oh I am so crazy I hope they think I'm normal it's more just this feeling that I am hiding something, and it is very important that it stay hidden. But I am not quite sure what I am hiding. Typically the fear is that I am hiding that I am a bad person, but sometimes it is that I am hiding that I am crazy. Because I don't really believe in people being bad people... Here's a diary entry I wrote a long time ago:

4/16/25

It’s almost six am and I can’t get back to sleep. I woke up because I pissed the bed. I wasn’t sure what to do so I threw my sheets in the trash. There’s a big stain on my mattress. I wiped at it with a Clorox wipe and flipped the mattress over, but I have a feeling it’s going to start smelling very soon. What is there really to do though? How do you even clean a mattress? I really wish I hadn’t pissed the bed. I was having such a good sleep. Which I guess is clear. I was dreaming that I was in Morocco with Olivia and Emily, and I was in this really nice bathroom. The toilet seat was like the one in Tilda’s house, with a bidet and a seat warmer and all that. Except it wasn’t a toilet, it was my bed. That I pissed all over. 

I really struggle to write in a journal because I have this huge fear that someone will read it. I used to really enjoy it and I was able to get over this fear, but lately I've been feeling kind of monitored. I'm not sure by who. So I started writing just fragments of my thoughts, without context, so that if someone read it they wouldn't be able to understand anything. I like it, it makes me feel like I'm writing in code. 

Aside from codes, there are other things I really like to do. One of them is using the scientific method. Making a small hypothesis and then testing it. It is particularly fun when you are doing science experiments on yourself.